The Flying Zucchini Brothers: Return of the Jedi

And so the time drew near, and lo, Paddy and Sneezy’s Hitching Day arrived.

We had planned it all out meticulously.

To. The. Letter.

Almost. Kind of. I mean, we had it all together right??

Of COURSE we did.

We rented a CARfor chrissakes!!

Although, if I’m being honest, I thought the rent-a-car scenario would leave our (as-of-late) stellar record for arriving in the Isle of Long EARLY in tatters.

A vee-hickle, you see, renders we of La Casa victim of that heady parfum–Eau de Grand Delusion That We Have All The Time In The World To Get Ready. I’ve mentioned my own battles with the very same, if you’ll recall.

I even had a chat with Mickey about this. For years and YEARS we were always late to Uncle Pervo and Aunt Angela’s place. Mickey was of the opinion that most of the procrastinating shoe was firmly on Ma’s foot–which was most definitely part of the problem. However, I was privy to further information (having lived with my parents since, like, god was a boy ‘n stuff) which also pointed the finger at the Old Man (and hi Pop!! Happy Dead Day Anniversary for two days ago!!). So both were guilty and I now have a lifelong excuse for being late for anything and everything–child of the 80s that I am–I shall blame my parents!!

Anyway. Wedding. Paddy. Sneezy. Rent-a-car. Being prepared!!

We were prepared, oh yes. Like the good scouts that we are, a few weeks previous we had gone shopping with a Family Friend. A Family Friend who works at a lovely store. A lovely store with certain amenities for employees. So both Trash and myself, along with our Family Friend, toddled to the wilds of *undisclosed location* to purchase Wedding Finery!! Trash wielded his bank card with impunity and bought the lot. The lot being a rather nice suit that was marked down 60%. I found myself a dress. And all was set. Family Friend says to Trash, ‘Hang on a tic, have you shoes for your suit??’

‘But of course!!’ Trash said gleefully, ‘I just have to find them somewhere in the Room of Death. IT WILL BE EASY. Ahem’*

*Once again, this may, OR MAY NOT BE, that intentional foreshadowing business. Or whatever it’s called. BIG GIANT HINTis what I mean. Ok??

Paddy and Sneezy’s wedding day started early for us. No, not because we had to wake six days early because we were taking public transportation (see: rent-a-car). No. It started early because some BASTARD decided THATday was the best day to start work on some gas doo-hickeys rather near-ish to La Casa. With a jack-hammer. AT EIGHT FRICKIN’ AM!!

Why, god, WHY??

Fine. Not a problem. Sure, waking up extra early when one needn’t isn’t FUN. But it beats waking early to take a bus, a ferry, a train, yet ANOTHER train, and then a god-damned bus to Long Island. Me?? I wasn’t going to complain.

Ma had toddled off to the wilds of the Armpit of America (read: New Jersey) to pick up the rent-a-car. I woke to find Trash watching Lethal Weapon, and, since we had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO GET READY, I sat down and watched said film, too (I mean, HELLO, it IS Mel Gibson, you know, and no, I don’t care what anyone says and yes, I admit that he is down ONE notch but only because, HELLO, Colin Firth?? Adorable!! Have you SEEN Pride and Prejudice?? Well–maybe they’re tied. Must google recent pics of Mel. Anyway, we understand each other now, yes?? YES!!).

Now where in the holy hell was I??

Ah yes!! Lethal Weapon, jackhammers, and having ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO GET READY. Ahem.

Ma returns around 11:30-ish. She then announces in a very grave voice, ‘They have to turn off the fucking gas for a while. BUT HE SWEARS IT WILL BE BACK ON IN AN HOUR OR SO!!’

What’s the problem, you say?? The problem arises when you have three people who need to get themselves sorted for a wedding. A wedding which, according to the itinerary, they’ve planned to leave for around 2 PM. Sharp. It is also 900 degrees out, so everyone is going to be needing a shower. A hot water heater that cannot work because SOME NUMPTY HAS SHUT DOWN THE GAS, is not good.

Ma leaves again to do some errand-running (and I can certainly see Mickey’s point of blaming Ma for tardiness when she chooses THIS moment to run and do some things) since she cannot have a shower right away. She declares, ‘Pah!! It takes me two minutes to shower and get ready. If worse comes to worse I’ll have to have a cold shower. I DO NOT CARE!! I WILL GET TO THIS WEDDING ON TIME!!’

I was making no such concession. I demanded hot water. Trash was, at the time, making no such concessions either, and was cursing the jackhammering bastards.

It was decided that I would take a shower first, using up the last reserves of hot water (notice that I do not mention that I didn’t bother to start getting myself ready til after 1, for this would shatter the illusion that i am ALWAYS on time. And always do things well ahead of time. Ahem). Trash would wait for the gas to be turned back on. 12:30. No gas. And the men seem to be sitting there not doing much of anything. 1:00. The men are gone. GONE!! Vamoosed!! Vanished!!

Veryfuckingdeadshouldthegasnotgetturnedbackon!!

1:30 the men are back, but are making no steps towards the house with cries of ‘Yes!! YES–you can HAVE your gas back!! Shower with impunity, time-weary bastards!!’

Ma, it should be noted, is not back as of yet.

THIS IS GOING TO FUCK WITH THE PROGRAM!!

{to be continued}