Culinary Lesson Numero Dos

How to make homemade dog food for extraordinarily picky canine 101:

1. Purchase liver and bring home. Place in refrigerator.

2. Locate rice in kitchen cabinet

3. Place rice in pot, along with correct amount of water, and turn heat on high so as to bring to a boil before lowering heat.

4. Go into bedroom to sort out something (read: start game of spider solitaire).

5. Jump out of chair when smoke detector goes off–a house alarm which will wake everyone within a five mile radius–owing to having completely forgotten about said rice.

6. Assure landlord, while straining to hear over said fire alarm and placing a lid on smoking pot of ex-rice, that we do not need the fire department to pay a visit.

7. Regret said proclamation, as having the Suspendered Flame Destroying Wonders pop round is good for a giggle. And possibility of husband shopping.

8. Take back regret–while opening every fucking window in the house–as there is no one else to blame for Blackened Rice. After all, we can’t have a Possible Future Flame Destroying Husband thinking Babs does this on a regular basis, now can we??

8a. Shut up, you.

9. Find fan to hasten smoke removal. Smack self in head.

10. Ponder whether or not new drug can be blamed for slight *attention span issues*

11. Bump into Trash as he comes home, explain situation, and run downstairs to help landlord reset house alarm.

12. Threaten brother with death when he shouts ‘Don’t burn anything on your way downstairs!!’

13. Come back upstairs, hide pot and blackened contents in oven. Throw a slipper at said sibling when he remarks, ‘Burnt food two nights in a row, hey??’

14. Give dog cat food, tell her to stop being so bloody picky and learn to fucking meow.